“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
You Might Also Like
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?