I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.