You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Just as the prophecy foretold
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work