[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.