[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You Might Also Like
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.