Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.