I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure