I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be