My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
New tinder profile pic
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot