*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Don’t snitch tag.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.