Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.