I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
You Might Also Like
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.