My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment