Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache