ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
You Might Also Like
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Dolls on drugs
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.