Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!