Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My beach vacation Google searches
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.