My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.