me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Happy Febuary everyone!
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints