My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
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even bears disappoint their mothers
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.