Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”