Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away