alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.