Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.