guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.