*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
A great tip. #CakeRex
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.