[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me