I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.