I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
don’t we all
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Battery falling down a hole
There’s no “u” in narcissist
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over