mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.