Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Poetry is my passion
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.