Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The internet is full of many things