*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye