bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Doctors texting each other.
This raises questions
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.