[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
January has been Januweary
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Covid like
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.