tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.