People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.