“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
You Might Also Like
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
The sacred texts.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Taliband
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Fluff me with a fork baby
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
The three genders.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.