HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes