Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death