My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
You Might Also Like
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”