I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
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*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Its true…
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On