The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
You Might Also Like
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”