Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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βPeople are acting crazyβ says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
βThis sunscreen smells like eggs.β -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag Oβ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row β¦. I’m starting to think they really donβt like lunch.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didnβt stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MANβS best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and itβs like he doesnβt even give a shit.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
My husband claims Iβm driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything Iβve driven them to.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Lady t-rex: Iβm tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: π
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.