Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.