“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.