*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.