First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop