my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: