“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Chicken bread
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.